Nowadays, I’m out convincing my buddies to start watching this show already! I’ve put up the theme-song as my ringtone and I must say, people are getting annoyed. But I shan’t concede defeat, for I am thee Couch Potahto and it is mine duty to shine light upon thy world of amusement!
Before I start, I should tell you this show is a satirical comedy, just like 30 Rock, so if you find it unfunny or offensive then I will go out on a limb here and assume that you don’t have much of a sense of humor.
UKS has a wonderfully quotable script but I just chose three out of each episode to keep it brief, otherwise I know you’d get irritated 😛
Episode 1 – Kimmy Goes Outside!
- Lillian: Titus is a very very sweet boy. A little crusty on the outside, but a soft heart, like a wonderful French roll, but black. It’s gonna be wonderful for him to have a roommate because he’s very isolated, but so talented, but disillusioned, but a genius and he’s single, but very gay and he doesn’t know I placed the ad.
- Jacqueline: You’ll need to get here by 6:00 every morning to wake Buckley up for school, then get me up at 10:00, but don’t wake me up.
- Kimmy: We are going to pay the rent, I’m gonna get my job back, and I’m going to kiss a boy. And you are going to sing at the Grammys with Whitney Houston and Michael Jackson.
Titus: Bad examples, but yes!
Episode 2 – Kimmy Gets a Job!
- Jacqueline: Julian should be here any minute. How do I look?
Kimmy: (says cheerfully) Like a million bucks!
Jacqueline: Wow. I know you didn’t mean that to be hurtful, but…
- Xanthippe: You know Disney lies to little girls. Stepmothers aren’t scary, and nannies aren’t magical, and dwarves do not let you sleep in their house without expecting something.
- Titus: Rich New Yorkers are the worst. They buy up building for themselves and ruin neighborhoods. They’re always inventing new types of dogs that the world doesn’t need. And what do they do with their money? They give it to charities to cure malaria in other countries. Well, call me crazy, but I say cure malaria at home first.
Episode 3 – Kimmy Goes on a Date!
- Jacqueline: Oh, Kimmy I don’t think I have your cell number. I wanted to call you last night because Buckley needed something and I had already taken my makeup off.
Kimmy: Um, I don’t actually have a cell phone.
Xanthippe: You don’t have a cell phone?
Kimmy: Well I had a cellphone, Xan, obvs, but I lost it at the zoo. A monkey took it and she wouldn’t give it back. Yeah, Xan, the monkey was a woman. Women can be anything these days.
- Lillian: I hope you sing one of those sad Boyz II Men songs. They always remind me of all the homies I’ve lost.
- Xanthippe: Kimmy Smith from Middletown, Ohio, I’ve been Googling you.
Kimmy: You have? I didn’t feel it.
Episode 4 – Kimmy Goes to the Doctor!
- Kimmy: A selfie. Yes. What is that?
Jacqueline: Are you serious? You just reverse the camera and press the button.
*Kimmy takes phone and takes a selfie from a low angle*[camera shutter clicks]
Kimmy: Oh, no.
Jacqueline: No, you have to hold the camera high to keep your chin up. Then make a kissy mouth. Then think about baby ducks, so your eyes look kind. And squeeze in your arm to push up your cleavage.
- Cyndee: Hey, Kimmy, you want me to be your mirror now?
Kimmy: Nah, I’m good. I can see myself if I move fast enough.
- Jacqueline: I look so sad. What filter is this?
Kimmy: None. Hashbrown, no filter.
Episode 5 – Kimmy Kisses a Boy!
- Kimmy: Wait a minute! Did you get a tattoo?
Cyndee: Yeah, I saw this on a Chinese menu, and I just fell in love with it. It means “bean curd”. Brandon got a matching one for our one-month anniversary, but there was a mix-up so his is in English.
Kimmy: Ah, wow. Matching tattoos.
Cyndee: Yeah, it’s real popular now, like taking pictures of your food or being biracial.
- Kimmy: You’re not gay, right?
Charles: Straight guys can be vegetarians. Hitler was a vegetarian.
- Kimmy: I’m here to enroll in the eighth grade.
School Attendant: I’m sorry, but someone your age can’t enroll in middle school.
Kimmy: But Billy Madison did.
School Attendant: Yes, but Billy Madison’s family was very wealthy. They owned Madison Hotels, a Fortune 500 company.
Episode 6 – Kimmy Goes to School!
- Kimmy: Well, this is it. I feel like a butterfly bursting from its crystalish and falling from the nest!
Titus: Yeah, you need this education.
- Xanthippe: My dad cannot find out about this, please! He’ll kill me! Or marry me off to one of his Saudi friends!
Titus: That’s some high stakes.
- Xanthippe: I don’t get you guys. You did all this for Kimmy? She’s the worst.
Lillian: Sure, she’s not perfect. She smiles too much, like a collie. And red hair, brown eyes? Guess God ran out of crayons.
Titus: But he wasn’t out of whatever makes people good.
Episode 7 – Kimmy Goes to a Party!
- Xanthippe: Hey Kimmy. 1996 called. It wants its clothes back.
Kimmy: Hey, Xan. 2090 called. You’re dead, and you wasted your time on Earth.
- Jacqueline: Maybe I am crazy.
Kimmy: No, Mrs. Voorhees, you have to listen to your gut.
Jacqueline: I don’t have a gut you mother f…
Kimmy: No, no, I mean your women’s intuition!
- Xanthippe: I’ve been watching you, Kimmy.
Kimmy: I know. That’s why I picked my nose earlier… to gross you out. Yeah, BURNT!
Episode 8 – Kimmy is Bad at Math!
- Kimmy: I’m never gonna get my high school diploma. I need Dong!
Titus: Trust me, that’s not gonna solve all your problems.
Kimmy: Dong is the name of the Vietnamese guy in my class. He’s good at math.
Titus: That’s racist!
Kimmy: But he is good at math.
Titus: I don’t make the rules.
- Kimmy: I’m sorry. I’m having a bad day. My boss is being a real B-I-T of a J-E-R-K.
Dong: I’m sorry, but you’re not allowed to be sad in Central Park! I came to New York because of movies like Wall Sugar.
Kimmy: Wall Street!
Dong: Home By Myself Again.
Kimmy: Home Alone 2!
Dong: And a Puppet Frog and Pig Wife Take Manhattan.
Kimmy: When Harry Met Sally??
- Kimmy: My name is not Kimmy Smith. It’s Kimmy Schmidt. From Indiana. As in the Indiana Mole Women. I was kept in a bunker for 15 years by an insane preacher. I thought the world had ended. I thought I would die there. But I survived, because that’s what women do. We eat a bag of dirt, pass it in the kitty pool and move on.
Jacqueline: I hope that’s a metaphor.
Kimmy: It’s not. We needed the iron.
Episode 9 – Kimmy Has a Birthday!
- Kimmy: Have fun! Are you gonna be back in time to help me setup for the party?
Titus: That’s boyfriend stuff. Boyfriends arrive early and do all the boring stuff that no one else wants to do, like getting ice, or this conversation.
- Titus: Okay, look. You said you wanted to be an adult. Have a grown up party. Well you Kimmy Schmidt are no O. J. Simpson ‘cause you did it.
Kimmy: What are you talking about? My birthday was a disaster.
Titus: Exactly! What happened tonight? Your family upset you; your friends let you down, mostly Lillian; two guys got into a fight over you.
Kimmy: Psshh, no. Yeah? Psshh, what?
Titus: You made a scene in front of everyone. And now you’re crying thinking about the passage of time.
Kimmy: Life is so short.
Titus: Girlfriend, you just had yourself an adult birthday party.
- Titus: [singing “Firework” to Kimmy as her birthday present] Baby, you’re a firework. Come on, let your colors burst. Make ’em go, “Aah, aah, aah”. You’re gonna leave ’em all in awe, awe, awe.
Kimmy: Wow, that’s very catchy. Some constructive criticism?
Kimmy: I don’t think anyone says “A Firework” singular. Its fireworks! Also, work doesn’t rhyme with burst. And I’m not sure why you would compare me to a plastic bag, but I like it!
Episode 10 – Kimmy’s in a Love Triangle!
- Logan: I overreacted. I’m just not used to obstacles. When I summited Mount Everest I did it in my daddy’s private blimp. To be honest I’ve never seen the inside of a public blimp. What can I say, I’m bit of a daddy’s boy.
Kimmy: Is that a thing?
Logan: Of course it is. You’ve heard of Mama’s boy, right? Oh well frankly I just don’t see the appeal.
- Xanthippe: You bitch!
Kimmy: A female dog? The thing that makes puppies? Nice compliment, Xan.
- Kimmy: You’re kind and you’re funny and both our names mean “penis”, and I don’t wanna be your friend either.; coz I like you, I mean I like you like you.
Dong: But I’m getting on a bus bus.
Kimmy: Well stay! Logan is out of the triangle. It’s just a regular biangle.
Dong: You mean a line? You need to work on your geometry, Kimmy.
Episode 11 – Kimmy Rides a Bike!
- Gretchen: This trial is a sham! The reverend only has to answer to Gosh himself and that online quiz that tells him which 90210 character he is. He is Andrea!
- Titus: What are you doing here? The trial started already.
Kimmy: Titus, I’ve decided I’m not going.
Titus: What? But you have to!
Kimmy: The only thing I have to do is follow my bliss and Indiana is nowhere near my mind beach.
Titus: What white nonsense is this?
Kimmy: It’s spirit cycle. And Tristafé is teaching me to leave everything behind; like a toddler at an out of state fast food restaurant.
- Kimmy: Why do we keep doing this to ourselves? Replacing one stupid male authority figure with another? Like “Days of Our Lives” replaces Roman Bradys.
Random Cyclist: I like the first Roman!
Kimmy: YOU’RE A MORON! Sorry, but that’s just wrong.
Episode 12 – Kimmy Goes to Court!
- Titus: Look, I know you don’t wanna be here but you’re the only one who can stop the reverend. That man could sell snow to an eskimo, or a Pontiac Aztec to… someone.
- Richard: State your name and residence.
Kimmy: Kimmy Schmidt, New York City.
Richard: Oh. The Big Apple! It’s like the one Eve gave Adam. And that’s when all our earthly sufferings began. Mortality! Shame in our nakedness! Burning your tongue on cocoa! Junk mail! Mondays!
- Cyndee: We could’ve gotten out of that bunker 7 years ago. I could’ve gotten to Brandon before he decided to be gay.
Kimmy: You don’t decide to be gay!
Cyndee: I know! You watch Magic Mike during a lightning storm like Brandon did.
Episode 13 – Kimmy Makes Waffles!
- Jacqueline: Maybe a road trip is exactly what I need right now. I’m turning over a new leaf.
Lillian: Oh-o, last time I did that I found a finger under it.
Jacqueline: Well, all I’m hoping to find out is who I am, now that I’m not Mrs. Voorhees anymore. And this house is not helping. I mean what did Vera do with all this trash? It used to just disappear. Did she eat it?
- Kimmy: I still believe the world is good. That bunnies are nice and snakes are mean. That one day Sandra Bullock will find someone who deserves her.
- Jacqueline: Home. That’s where I’ll find myself.
Kimmy: Am I ever gonna see you again?
Jacqueline: No, I’m gonna live in South Dakota like a bunch of stupid giant president heads. Of course you’ll see me again.